Your experiences mirror mine a lot except taking the repression and conservative Christianity detour. Being born a Hindu and becoming an atheist fairly early in life, I never thought that was going to help me in any way. However, lately I am leaning into some spiritual elements of Hinduism / Buddhism which emphasize balance and integration.
Being exposed to older academic research (Ellis, Hirschfeld) in grad school and the first generation of internet cd/tg content also gave me the clarity that for AGPs, cross-dressing part-time while accepting the biological reality of being a man as well as the cross-dreaming fantasies is a viable path.
So when the mainstream gender identity narrative took over and medicalized transition became the only solution to our problem, with the usual Big Pharma denial / neglect of negative health effects of lifelong reliance on the drugs they peddle, I smelled BS.
I dm’d you on Twitter but here I am again! This is such a great read. Ray your voice is so inspiring to me. I also have AGP and have known pretty much since I was 13 or so after a google search and stumbling on Blanchard. I dreaded what I read about myself at the time as I just KNEW this was me and I realized what my future could become. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t matter. Eventually, I would medically transition at 26 and be lucky enough to pass almost flawlessly. Phil can attest to that from Genspect lol. But, for sure, it has caused me a lot of difficulty in my life, particularly with friendships and especially coming from an evangelical Christian family. I transitioned during my engagement and was fortunate enough to remain engaged and end up marrying my current incredible wife. I love her more than anything.
I am trying to return to Christianity to give back to others. I live near my parents and want a deeper relationship with them, beyond the cordial surface level I’ve managed to sustain throughout my transition. Ultimately, I want to help and at my core, I do believe life is not about me but about giving back to everyone else. I am worried about the potential tautology of the whole fundamentalist paradigm weighing on my psyche too but isn’t the adversity what makes it all worth something?
Anyways, love your work and story. Hope to read more soon!!
I hope so. Though everyone with AGP must come into their own place of acceptance, and I don't pretend that my path is going to be ideal for everyone. But I do think learning to accept one's biological sex and the limitations thereof is crucial.
Glad to see you've reached a point of balance. Been researching AGP ever since I found out it wasn't just an odd taste in porn. (And some odd experiences I've had while high.) I think I"m aegosexual,
I'm in a state similar to yours; accepting that my anima (started calling her that; made more sense) has a place in my mental "council" among the other personas. I was questioning my gender for a while, but stopped when I realized I'd never come to a definitive answer. Besides, I'm content being a man; I think I can best improve my life by working on the body I have, rather than fantasizing about another body.
your voice is important because you are so damn honest and intelligent while also being considerate
it is clear you care about yourself and can be of serious help to boys and men with AGP, who need to understand themselves better to live in healthy relationship w others and society
you clearly also care about non-trans identified ppl, and how AGP impacts them
whatever your sexual and fetish orientations may be, you have counerbalancing moral and emotional orientations that do not permit narcissism to overtake your thoughts and behaviours
This was very insighful. Totally dig the last bit speaking of a healthy outlet that lessens the apg "grip" and manifests in more of a gender non-conforming manner.
Thanks you so much for your work Ray, it changes my life for the better, now instead of transitioning and having anxiety towards gender i learned to accept myself and integrate agp in my life, masterpiece of post. _Takeiteasy_
I really enjoyed this. The most sense Ive read in the Trans discussion. Thank you. ( okay...I also need to know your makeup details in the last picture....gorgeous.)
> When I look at a feminine woman, it’s almost always a simultaneous feeling of “I am attracted to you” and also “I wish I could be you/wish I could wear what you’re wearing.
Ah so its like a tug war. Do you feel anything when you look at a very gender nonconforming or butch type woman?? I wonder how that compares.
> "Usually, GAMPs show a mostly heterosexual like pattern of sexual arousal but are more aroused by transsexual women than any other erotic stimuli"
This is what i never understand about the GAMP stuff. If one understands ONLY males can be transwomen/sh3males and a man is genuinely mostly aroused and attracted to that, then that means he's mostly and strongly attracted to males 🤷and i dont see how that is a "mostly heterosexual pattern". I see it just as another subtype of androphilia, just like if a man said he was mostly or solely attracted to hunky gymbro males, or to nerdy chubby types. To me a mostly heterosexual pattern (which is still Not the same as fully or exclusively heterosexual) would be a case where overall the attraction to GAMs and perhaps effeminate males without breasts is present but the sexual attraction to actual females is stronger (regardless if those females that provoke flutters and boners are feminine tomboyish hardcore butch or whatever). I am open to the idea that the pseudobi phenomenon has some merit and that some AGPs are just seeing some nebulous random male as a prop kind of like how some men hookup with women they arent attracted to and just basicaly masturbate with the womans body while thinking of someone else eyes closed, but I still think a lot of AGP types are plain Bi in denial and shoehorn themselves into the pseudobi box as yet another form of "no homo bro" gymnastics. They could be seriously shaking hands with the "traps aint gay my dude it doesnt count" anime fan coomers.
You said it yourself: > My androphilia is almost entirely reserved for feminine males. Big beards and hairy bodies just do not do it for me. Otherwise, I am a huge fan of the male body, so long as there is a bit of androgyny or femininity. Researchers like Blanchard call this pseudo-bisexuality or meta-attraction. But for me, it does not feel “pseudo.” I genuinely am attracted to the male body; I just like feminine males.
That's fine, you do you. I think a distinction between the pseudobisexual and the genuinely ambiphilic (whether the second's taste for same-sex members is masc or fem or varied or very niche) is important to the conversation yet often muddled or missed so thanks for highlighting your case there.
> And rather than them telling me I am just a male with AGP, I was told all this was proof that I was in fact a woman inside
from an emotional standpoint it makes sense, one conclusion evokes feelings of perversion guilt and dirtiness and the other evokes feelings of normalcy and comfort. Also if AGP or fetish history is common in the group, then invalidating you would imply then plenty others MTF trajectories and identities were iffy as well. Like the whole thing starts to crumble.
> "I am happy running on testosterone. I feel much healthier with increased vigor and physical vitality. I am also happy with the gynecomastia that the years of estrogen gave me. I now try to integrate femininity into my life in little ways" .... "It’s all about balance. It’s been a journey, but I feel good about where I am right now."
When reidentificaion, desistance and detransition started to become more aknowledged as a thing and a talking topic, from time to time I've secretly had the gut feeling this kind of approach was generally healthier and more sustainable longterm than jumping from fullblown trans to traditional hyper gender-conforming mode, so i'm glad to see detrans cases in both sexes where this proves true. I saw it explained best by a detrans lesbian who still dresses the same and can easily pass for a man, paraphrasing it was like "All these years I've been more or less the same person i just shed hiding under a cloak of maleness to allow myself to just be" She didn't start converting to makeup razors dresses and heels performing gender in opposite direction, she just slowly stopped T, the he/him & accepted she was a type of woman and not a type of man. Hope this continue to be a positive and constructive path for you and your marriage.
Thanks for sharing your story Ray. As a final question, based on your experience what would you say are key aspects to harmonizing AGP traits with a female partner who tolerates them (rather than she finding it a turn on or a total turn off)?? What does balance look like outside of yourself and taking her presence and boundaries into account? What are some of your mutual no-nos? I suppose integration will vary between the AGP who is single (or voluntarily celibate) and the AGP who is partnered and wants a healthy dynamic instead of separating or becoming neglectful.
I relate strongly to AGP, but not entirely. I don’t think my problems with dysphoria started with sexual stimulation. I have always been gynophilic, never androphilic. But, I wanted to be a girl from my earliest memories.
I suspect trauma played a role, and well as the fact that I am intersex.
Long before I heard of transwomen having “female like brains”, I had a CT Scan to diagnose a problem. After the scan, the technician left the room. I got bored waiting for the radiologist to come and went to see the images on the screen. They meant nothing to me, but the radiologist came in, saw the screen and got upset because I was “looking at the medical record of another patient.” I told him I was very sure it was images of my brain, and I asked what made him think it was another patient, and he replied he knew it was because this was clearly the brain of a woman, and I wasn’t a woman. He claimed over 20 years of experience and was extremely confident. He claimed he had never been mistaken about this.
The technician came back in room and confirmed it was my brain. He didn’t blush. He turned pale, said I have no lesions, not tumors, no sign of aneurysm, I was fine. He also said he had heard of this before but had never seen it, that it was very rare; and then he ran, not walked but ran out of the room. He did not return my phone calls, but had his nurse restate that I was fine.
Based on this, I think my brain may be similar to a woman’s (structurally). I know I am not a woman. Despite being intersex, I am male. I have a problem in my pituitary. Without outside help, I don’t make testosterone (or maybe, just not always). My testicles work fine when they get the hormonal message to make testosterone. But, my pituitary doesn’t send the signal (or, perhaps has sent it intermittently). It must had sent the message during my gestation.
As a 2 year old I had surgery on my penis. My parents claim they can’t remember what was done or why, which I don’t believe. The medical records have long ago been discarded. I remember going into, coming out of and recovering from the surgery. It was painful, and I didn’t understand why it was done to me. My parents wouldn’t say. My mother said I wouldn’t remember it when I was older. I vowed to never forget (perhaps a bad plan).
My older sister told me that the surgery was done because I was a boy. I don’t remember which came first, but about the same time as the surgery, I started dreaming of being a girl.
I had to have help from an endo to start puberty, and take medication now to allow me to produce testosterone. I have never transitioned, and don’t think it is in my best overall interests to do so, because of the expected reactions of people important to me.
Anyway, I think I am (perhaps) one example of an AGP male with a feminine brain structure. I know you said that was only gay men, but I am at least one exception to your rule. Perhaps, add intersex people to that group that can have different brains and your theory wouldn’t necessarily be disproven.
The writing is clear and direct. You integrated both science and personal experience. You crushed it with this piece. Great job :-)
Thanks Phil!
This is very well-written. Thank you.
Your experiences mirror mine a lot except taking the repression and conservative Christianity detour. Being born a Hindu and becoming an atheist fairly early in life, I never thought that was going to help me in any way. However, lately I am leaning into some spiritual elements of Hinduism / Buddhism which emphasize balance and integration.
Being exposed to older academic research (Ellis, Hirschfeld) in grad school and the first generation of internet cd/tg content also gave me the clarity that for AGPs, cross-dressing part-time while accepting the biological reality of being a man as well as the cross-dreaming fantasies is a viable path.
So when the mainstream gender identity narrative took over and medicalized transition became the only solution to our problem, with the usual Big Pharma denial / neglect of negative health effects of lifelong reliance on the drugs they peddle, I smelled BS.
I dm’d you on Twitter but here I am again! This is such a great read. Ray your voice is so inspiring to me. I also have AGP and have known pretty much since I was 13 or so after a google search and stumbling on Blanchard. I dreaded what I read about myself at the time as I just KNEW this was me and I realized what my future could become. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t matter. Eventually, I would medically transition at 26 and be lucky enough to pass almost flawlessly. Phil can attest to that from Genspect lol. But, for sure, it has caused me a lot of difficulty in my life, particularly with friendships and especially coming from an evangelical Christian family. I transitioned during my engagement and was fortunate enough to remain engaged and end up marrying my current incredible wife. I love her more than anything.
I am trying to return to Christianity to give back to others. I live near my parents and want a deeper relationship with them, beyond the cordial surface level I’ve managed to sustain throughout my transition. Ultimately, I want to help and at my core, I do believe life is not about me but about giving back to everyone else. I am worried about the potential tautology of the whole fundamentalist paradigm weighing on my psyche too but isn’t the adversity what makes it all worth something?
Anyways, love your work and story. Hope to read more soon!!
You think other AGPers could learn what you have to help them reach the "mental place" you are now?
I hope so. Though everyone with AGP must come into their own place of acceptance, and I don't pretend that my path is going to be ideal for everyone. But I do think learning to accept one's biological sex and the limitations thereof is crucial.
Wow, this was a really profound read. I feel like you shared your experience bravely while being thoughtful and non-moralizing. Great work!
Thanks Ruby 😊
Glad to see you've reached a point of balance. Been researching AGP ever since I found out it wasn't just an odd taste in porn. (And some odd experiences I've had while high.) I think I"m aegosexual,
I'm in a state similar to yours; accepting that my anima (started calling her that; made more sense) has a place in my mental "council" among the other personas. I was questioning my gender for a while, but stopped when I realized I'd never come to a definitive answer. Besides, I'm content being a man; I think I can best improve my life by working on the body I have, rather than fantasizing about another body.
your voice is important because you are so damn honest and intelligent while also being considerate
it is clear you care about yourself and can be of serious help to boys and men with AGP, who need to understand themselves better to live in healthy relationship w others and society
you clearly also care about non-trans identified ppl, and how AGP impacts them
whatever your sexual and fetish orientations may be, you have counerbalancing moral and emotional orientations that do not permit narcissism to overtake your thoughts and behaviours
Great article, very insightful and interesting
what a beautiful piece, thank you for sharing your story.
This was very insighful. Totally dig the last bit speaking of a healthy outlet that lessens the apg "grip" and manifests in more of a gender non-conforming manner.
Thanks you so much for your work Ray, it changes my life for the better, now instead of transitioning and having anxiety towards gender i learned to accept myself and integrate agp in my life, masterpiece of post. _Takeiteasy_
I really enjoyed this. The most sense Ive read in the Trans discussion. Thank you. ( okay...I also need to know your makeup details in the last picture....gorgeous.)
It's amazing that you write about your experiences in such a transparent way. Thanks for sharing this.
> When I look at a feminine woman, it’s almost always a simultaneous feeling of “I am attracted to you” and also “I wish I could be you/wish I could wear what you’re wearing.
Ah so its like a tug war. Do you feel anything when you look at a very gender nonconforming or butch type woman?? I wonder how that compares.
> "Usually, GAMPs show a mostly heterosexual like pattern of sexual arousal but are more aroused by transsexual women than any other erotic stimuli"
This is what i never understand about the GAMP stuff. If one understands ONLY males can be transwomen/sh3males and a man is genuinely mostly aroused and attracted to that, then that means he's mostly and strongly attracted to males 🤷and i dont see how that is a "mostly heterosexual pattern". I see it just as another subtype of androphilia, just like if a man said he was mostly or solely attracted to hunky gymbro males, or to nerdy chubby types. To me a mostly heterosexual pattern (which is still Not the same as fully or exclusively heterosexual) would be a case where overall the attraction to GAMs and perhaps effeminate males without breasts is present but the sexual attraction to actual females is stronger (regardless if those females that provoke flutters and boners are feminine tomboyish hardcore butch or whatever). I am open to the idea that the pseudobi phenomenon has some merit and that some AGPs are just seeing some nebulous random male as a prop kind of like how some men hookup with women they arent attracted to and just basicaly masturbate with the womans body while thinking of someone else eyes closed, but I still think a lot of AGP types are plain Bi in denial and shoehorn themselves into the pseudobi box as yet another form of "no homo bro" gymnastics. They could be seriously shaking hands with the "traps aint gay my dude it doesnt count" anime fan coomers.
You said it yourself: > My androphilia is almost entirely reserved for feminine males. Big beards and hairy bodies just do not do it for me. Otherwise, I am a huge fan of the male body, so long as there is a bit of androgyny or femininity. Researchers like Blanchard call this pseudo-bisexuality or meta-attraction. But for me, it does not feel “pseudo.” I genuinely am attracted to the male body; I just like feminine males.
That's fine, you do you. I think a distinction between the pseudobisexual and the genuinely ambiphilic (whether the second's taste for same-sex members is masc or fem or varied or very niche) is important to the conversation yet often muddled or missed so thanks for highlighting your case there.
> And rather than them telling me I am just a male with AGP, I was told all this was proof that I was in fact a woman inside
from an emotional standpoint it makes sense, one conclusion evokes feelings of perversion guilt and dirtiness and the other evokes feelings of normalcy and comfort. Also if AGP or fetish history is common in the group, then invalidating you would imply then plenty others MTF trajectories and identities were iffy as well. Like the whole thing starts to crumble.
> "I am happy running on testosterone. I feel much healthier with increased vigor and physical vitality. I am also happy with the gynecomastia that the years of estrogen gave me. I now try to integrate femininity into my life in little ways" .... "It’s all about balance. It’s been a journey, but I feel good about where I am right now."
When reidentificaion, desistance and detransition started to become more aknowledged as a thing and a talking topic, from time to time I've secretly had the gut feeling this kind of approach was generally healthier and more sustainable longterm than jumping from fullblown trans to traditional hyper gender-conforming mode, so i'm glad to see detrans cases in both sexes where this proves true. I saw it explained best by a detrans lesbian who still dresses the same and can easily pass for a man, paraphrasing it was like "All these years I've been more or less the same person i just shed hiding under a cloak of maleness to allow myself to just be" She didn't start converting to makeup razors dresses and heels performing gender in opposite direction, she just slowly stopped T, the he/him & accepted she was a type of woman and not a type of man. Hope this continue to be a positive and constructive path for you and your marriage.
Thanks for sharing your story Ray. As a final question, based on your experience what would you say are key aspects to harmonizing AGP traits with a female partner who tolerates them (rather than she finding it a turn on or a total turn off)?? What does balance look like outside of yourself and taking her presence and boundaries into account? What are some of your mutual no-nos? I suppose integration will vary between the AGP who is single (or voluntarily celibate) and the AGP who is partnered and wants a healthy dynamic instead of separating or becoming neglectful.
Thank you for your openness.
I relate strongly to AGP, but not entirely. I don’t think my problems with dysphoria started with sexual stimulation. I have always been gynophilic, never androphilic. But, I wanted to be a girl from my earliest memories.
I suspect trauma played a role, and well as the fact that I am intersex.
Long before I heard of transwomen having “female like brains”, I had a CT Scan to diagnose a problem. After the scan, the technician left the room. I got bored waiting for the radiologist to come and went to see the images on the screen. They meant nothing to me, but the radiologist came in, saw the screen and got upset because I was “looking at the medical record of another patient.” I told him I was very sure it was images of my brain, and I asked what made him think it was another patient, and he replied he knew it was because this was clearly the brain of a woman, and I wasn’t a woman. He claimed over 20 years of experience and was extremely confident. He claimed he had never been mistaken about this.
The technician came back in room and confirmed it was my brain. He didn’t blush. He turned pale, said I have no lesions, not tumors, no sign of aneurysm, I was fine. He also said he had heard of this before but had never seen it, that it was very rare; and then he ran, not walked but ran out of the room. He did not return my phone calls, but had his nurse restate that I was fine.
Based on this, I think my brain may be similar to a woman’s (structurally). I know I am not a woman. Despite being intersex, I am male. I have a problem in my pituitary. Without outside help, I don’t make testosterone (or maybe, just not always). My testicles work fine when they get the hormonal message to make testosterone. But, my pituitary doesn’t send the signal (or, perhaps has sent it intermittently). It must had sent the message during my gestation.
As a 2 year old I had surgery on my penis. My parents claim they can’t remember what was done or why, which I don’t believe. The medical records have long ago been discarded. I remember going into, coming out of and recovering from the surgery. It was painful, and I didn’t understand why it was done to me. My parents wouldn’t say. My mother said I wouldn’t remember it when I was older. I vowed to never forget (perhaps a bad plan).
My older sister told me that the surgery was done because I was a boy. I don’t remember which came first, but about the same time as the surgery, I started dreaming of being a girl.
I had to have help from an endo to start puberty, and take medication now to allow me to produce testosterone. I have never transitioned, and don’t think it is in my best overall interests to do so, because of the expected reactions of people important to me.
Anyway, I think I am (perhaps) one example of an AGP male with a feminine brain structure. I know you said that was only gay men, but I am at least one exception to your rule. Perhaps, add intersex people to that group that can have different brains and your theory wouldn’t necessarily be disproven.